Snow Knitting

I love snow. And when a weather forecast is for greatest snow dump in Washington in decades, I am both super grateful I can work from home to pay for heat AND get myself out in it as much as possible. “Sidewalk” becomes a relative term.

And trees look extra amazing.



Then there’s lichen ornaments, a sign of healthy air.

And a bench for snow lovers to sit and knit.

In gaps I carve in my usual 7-day work week, I will be picking up stitches on this square and hope it turns into the baby blanket I’m envisioning. If we get a power outage with 60-70 mph winds predicted, I will be unable to work (Yay) and I’ll wrap up in blankets and knit to my heart’s content by candlelight. I’m close to completing several projects, just need more time…and a break from icing my overworked typing arms.

Grounded Abundance

Happy Lunar Year of the female Earth pig. May you be blessed by grounded abundance…I’m working toward that for sure, but it’s all around us to see.

Our abundant elements.

Almost 99% of the mass of the human body is made up of six elements: oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, and phosphorus. Only about 0.85% is composed of another five elements: potassium, sulfur, sodium, chlorine, and magnesium. All 11 are necessary for life.

Master Google
Good luck chanchito from Chile

During our rare West Coast snow while most of the US is buried in it, I took myself away from work for two hours to walk to woods and make a snow angel I haven’t done since I was five. More knitting later when I have something to share.

To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.

Lao Tzu

Abundance can be simply had by consciously receiving what has already been given.

Sufi saying

Everything you need will come to you at the perfect time.

Lao Tzu

Root yourself in this Earth, and it will root itself in you.

Sheniz Janmohamedd

The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground.

Ernest Woods, Zen Dictionary (misattributed to Buddha)

You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just weather.

Pema Chodron

Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.

Buddha

Diversity Learning Curve

There is no power for change greater than a community discovering what it cares about.

Change always involves a dark night when everything falls apart.

Margaret J. Wheatley
Diversity of hats gifted to shelter in 2016

Because I am white and carry all the systemic privileges (and community isolation) of being white, I am systematically attempting to teach myself about knitters and designers who are not white, in order to break out of my bubble of awareness. Currently I am of limited purchasing power so plans are on hold, but it is my intention to broaden the scope of my future pattern and yarn choices and support folks whose work has up to now escaped my white gaze.

To this end, I want to be yet another blog to share this eye-opening dissertation by Lorna Hamilton-Brown titled, “Myth: Black People Don’t Knit”. What I especially love, along with all the visuals she compiles, is the oral history obtained from elders and colleagues suggesting people in many non-white cultures of the world have been knitting resourcefully using whatever materials available for much longer than is widely appreciated.

Lorna’s contribution to historical understanding inspires me to offer my services as a professional transcriptionist accustomed to listening to a wide range of dialects, should anyone need assistance in capturing recorded oral histories for further work on the topic of piecing (knitting) together the history of knitting from a much broader perspective than white European-American. Just hit me up if you are a historian or researcher or just plain passionate knitter interested in interviewing people, and I will happily transcribe the interviews for you.

I am grateful to Jeanette Sloan in compiling her list of POC designers and crafters. No one single person could make an exhaustive list, but her dedication to offering this to others while living a very full life inspires me.

CarpeYarn.com is a wonderful treasure trove of interviews with Craftivists and ways to support “makers, stores and people worldwide who inspire us.”

All these resources expand my view of intentional use of any craft and give me lots to incubate in contemplating how to best use my own future designs and participate in lifting others alongside myself in some way.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT WITH MY OWN FORM OF DIVERSITY

As a woman only beginning to accept my place in the neurodiverse community with self-diagnosis, I am also interested in using my craft to support organizations specifically researching how autism spectrum presents in women and breaking down barriers to informed diagnosis and support for women.

Part of my knitting obsession and skill I feel is directly related to autism, because for me, it has paralleled periods of heightened anxiety. Since shifts in America since November 2016, for example, my knitting has reached new heights because I have spent more and more time with it. While all humans have some form of self-soothing or stimming and many knitters say they knit to soothe, the need to stim is apparently more exaggerated in autistic people and absolutely essential to mental health. If I can’t move my hands, I notice tension and anxiety slowly rising. Knitting fits the bill perfectly because it allows socially acceptable stimming and even social interaction without eye contact. Food for thought.

It is still not fully clear to me whether fitting my life’s experiences into a convenient self-diagnosis based on strong “yes” on three online autism quizzes (in no way diagnostic) and lots of life review is valid to anyone but myself, but regardless, I hold vision of a day when it is safe for all people to be authentically who they are and make it in this world.

Pausing to Honor

Sharing a favorite e-book by two talented women who translated shawl patterns from the past into present day usage. I have long wanted to make “A Shawl For Aunt Harriet,” a modernized version of the shawl gifted to Harriet Tubman by Queen Victoria in 1897.

Donna Druchunas’ jaw-dropping work and the entire Stories in Stitches set can be ordered on Ravelry. When I try the link to her website it appears no longer available, but I did order my copy of Stories in Stitches in e-book form there.

If you would like to see a photo of the original shawl preserved by descendants and then donated to the museum in 2009, look here. And to see photos of a younger Ms. Tubman, here.

1/30/19 – Sunset down my street, the real deal, no filter

Over the next weeks, I will highlight on this blog patterns by designers of color whose work I admire. I will be taking a pause from my own knitting in February to preserve and ice my arms and continue as I did in January transcribing 70 hours/week in order to attempt to move in 2019 to a less restricted financial space. The next step in my knitting evolution will be obtaining coaching, software and accountability around design process, so that requires investment. But this year is also about getting by and working toward finding a place to live. Starting March, I’m excited to work regular shifts in my food bank garden to get my hands in Earth, work for glorious veggies, and have better activity counterpoint to all my sedentary work.

When the crazies get you down, just remember:

(Unknown source, thanks to Molly in knitting group)

Design Mojo

Morning fog

This week, I experienced a revolutionary creative nudge I needed. (Creative nudge, as opposed to creative fudge where a bunch of creatives swear in frustration and eat chocolate).

I participated in the free 5 Shawls 5 Days challenge, did not complete it in window to qualify for prizes, but also did not give up. I simply tried again the next day. I learned something new from each shape, despite having made a gazillion shawls already.

Francoise of Aroha Knits has developed such an inviting and encouraging system that I’d love to participate in her design workshop at some magical point when I have expendable funds. She says she plans to offer the free shawl challenge twice more this year in addition to a few other challenges, so if you’re interested, there’s plenty of opportunity.

Here’s what’s so revolutionary that I learned from this. You don’t need a lot to be creative. I took this on during a week I did 80 hours of freelance work. I’ve been stressed about bills (my heat requires two large payments per winter) and finally made half of what I need to meet January’s. I even dropped my weekly knitting group the past few weeks, one of my few social events, in order to take on more paid work.

I constantly have design ideas bursting in my mind, some on paper, BUT here comes this little design coach saying, “You can try this for only 30 minutes a day for five days.” For free. Making one tiny exploration sample felt entirely different from following someone else’s pattern. It showed me all I need is 30 minutes to make a prototype of anything.

So late at night after all I could do was done, I worked on a shape, washed the shape, blocked and dried it. Finally, I have proven without a reasonable doubt I don’t need to listen to all those voices in my head telling me, “You don’t have enough space, time or money in your life to design anything. If you focus on this, your life will become unbalanced. Your priority has to be paid work.”

Triangle, experiment with made up as I went lace motif
Crescent – Made up as I went, a bit of stranded colorwork and eyelets, blocking pins created five points at edge
Asymmetrical Triangle – Learned why this shape is not best to attempt a lace motif unless at the widest edge or few-stitch repeat lace. Knit-purl textures a much better fit.
3/4 Square – Eyelet edging worked well here –
this shape gives me so many ideas
Square – Spent most time on this one, three trials to master the first few rows after pinhole cast-on – gave up DPNs. Magic loop worked for me. Now that I have this down, I intend to make the baby blanket promised to my cousin months ago this way.

A few precious moments outside, on Parks & Rec new expanded trails. Thank you, Parks & Rec. Yay!

Lunar Update

I nearly made Wolf Moon completion for the Hedgewitch Shawl KAL, with the only remaining bit being the i-cord bind-off edge. It’s still drying a bit after wash, so may lighten in color a tad, but I LOVE how it turned out. Maybe soon I’ll get a model other than a fireplace to show it better.

For accountability to self, here’s proof a sleeve needle has been attached on this 2017 sweater that has languished on sleeve island. This needs to go with daughter as she heads to college, so it shall be done in 2019.

Until we meet again, peace out.

Recognizing Myself

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Buddha Doodles Card I pulled from my deck after asking the question: “What do I most need to know before writing this blog post?”
Buddha Doodles Card I pulled from my deck after asking the question: “What do I most need to know before writing this blog post?”

QUESTION FOR YOU: Has knitting/making helped you find greater emotional or physical health? I would love to listen in the comments.

Knitting and handcrafting as helpful to mental health has a growing body of literature. I will list many resources in future on the topic. But for today, I want to get down the thoughts that have been swimming for a while about recently making a diagnosis for myself that caused everything in my 52 years of life to click together like little cog wheels that had been running with slight hitches suddenly sync up and run fluidly.

A 20th century definition of the word diagnosis is identification of the nature of an illness or other problem by examination of the symptoms.

Original meaning of Greek roots “dia” (apart/observe) and “gignoskein” (know, recognize)

I choose to focus on the origin of diagnosis, to know and recognize some truth, and prefer to think of it as understanding, not illness. A path to official clinical diagnosis is long, and unfortunately I do not have insurance to cover it, so I need to be content with 100% believing I fit this group of differently abled humans.

For most people who know me, I don’t believe this is an earth-shattering diagnosis and likely suspected, and for others who don’t know me, I might risk rejection of employment or other acceptance by having this be part of my public record. Heck, I’ve blabbed for seven years on a blog that reveals more than I wish I had, and no evil gremlins have dropped out of the sky to blaspheme me yet, so I am feeling brave enough in this moment to share this, because I hope it might make someone else feel less alone.

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Hummingbird visits me each year

I have come to the recognition that I am on the autistic spectrum, formerly called high-functioning or Asperger’s in the 1980s as a nod to a man who described different levels of autism severity, but the name is no longer in the diagnostic manual. Even though Asperger didn’t name it after himself, recently several prominent articles have been written about his role in eugenics movement in Nazi Germany, something I prefer to distance myself from as far as possible. I do not judge anyone who uses the term though to describe themselves.

The diagnosis itself is only a few decades old in the US, so was not a descriptor of people when I was a child. Diagnosing myself has led to greater and greater compassion for my parents in this light looking back through time. High-functioning autism in women specifically is only very recently being discussed and studied. Turns out many women tend to mask their autism by social observation and blend in as “normal,” whatever that is. In men, AS is much more described, which is why large tech companies’ open secret is they primarily run on what is now being called “neurodiversity” of the mostly male mode of functioning. Engineering, coding, technical brilliance is a key feature for many males, along with poor eye contact and apparent lack of empathy.

I love this quote from an interview with Rudy Simone, author of Aspergirls, on my reading list, on the topic of diagnosis.

The trouble is the way the diagnosis is viewed and the way it is handed down. I have girls write to me who have just received the diagnosis and they are told, ‘You will never be able to have a job or a relationship.’

I say, first, fire that doctor and second, it shouldn’t be a diagnosis, it should be a proclamation: ‘You will have intense focus and interests. The likelihood that you will develop incredible skills or talents is much higher.’ There’s a lot of beauty to being on the spectrum.

KEY FEATURES GLEANED FROM VARIOUS WRITINGS ON FEMALE AUTISM SPECTRUM I RECOGNIZE IN SELF

  • Strong ability to focus attention.
  • Strong connection to non-human beings, most challenged with human connection and communication. Temple Grandin has contributed incredible body of work in this vein. Even though I can’t be around horses or most fur-bearing critters without a three-alarm immune system crisis, for me, this is most reflected in an intelligence I call “ecopsychological awareness,” or a deep understanding of my place inside an ecosystem. I’ve had this innate understanding as long as I can remember, corroborated by my parents who had patience to walk 2-year-old me around a single block for an hour due to the depth of attention I paid to each living organism along my path…. Shout-out to Greta Thunberg, who lives this passion with her heart.
  • Strong imagination, sometimes as escape or coping mechanism for social dread. Yes, I had an imaginary dog who never barked, and drew an entire thriving social community of fleas inside my class cubby in 4th grade, a form of graffiti my teacher didn’t quite appreciate.
  • Happiest in solitude, in solo ventures (we typically don’t think of asking someone to join us anywhere – we just go). I enjoy doing things in groups as long as we are all working on a clear goal/project and my task is clear. As a teen, I asked an adult, “How is it that people have fun?” I see this now as a classic autistic question. I literally struggle with fitting my version of what’s fun into most social “fun.”
  • Many AS women seem to be poets, musicians, writers, medical professionals in greater numbers than the more mechanical gifts typically attributed to men.
  • Periods of mutism can be common. For a period in high school, I was so silent that a teacher remarked when he saw me at a social function years later, “I thought you were literally mute. So glad to hear you expressing yourself.”
  • Tend to not care about clothing, have confusion around when or how to dress up/dress down…definitely true of me. Even though I appreciate the process of making clothing, I actually wouldn’t mind wearing a potato sack.
  • Tend to have what is described as naivete, confusion over when being manipulated, and for this reason can seem younger and can be targeted for abuse/bullying. I won’t go into the negative side here, but all my life I’ve been told I seem younger than my chronological age and at 50 was asked by a marketing caller, “Can I speak to your parents? Oh, sorry, I thought you sounded 11.”
  • Strong emotional outbursts unable to articulate well (in my youth), periods of intense fatigue from managing social confusion/pressures. Deepest bows and apologies to my parents for my teen years.
  • Delayed sexual maturity/interest, routinely 5-10 years beyond peers.
  • Most fascinating and reassuring of all to me, folks who study women’s traits through the Asperger and Autism Network, as well as Tony Attwood, the Australian originator of much of the world’s work on high-functioning autism, say women on AS can make great parents. Whew!
  • So far, substance addiction as form of coping seems more prevalent in men than women on the spectrum.
  • Due to meltdowns from sensory overwhelm and exhaustion from social anxiety, women are often misdiagnosed or secondarily diagnosed with depression/anxiety, borderline personality, without autism spectrum ever considered.
  • An “expectation gap” between brilliance and competence displayed in some areas, while foundational things seem confounding. My biggest anxiety is around owning and buying things, for example, which does not fit into a consumer society very well.
  • Communication style that is talking at (monologue) rather than talking with.
  • Synesthesia (I have for colors and letters – check out Daniel Tammet’s books) and other “differently connected” or exaggerated sensory experience. It’s common for autistic people to walk in a room and take in all the ambient noise on top of every simultaneous conversation…recipe for overwhelm. I’ve turned this superpower into my living for 25 years, accurately transcribing conversations and background noise for media.
  • Many seem to leave behind a trail of partial degrees or jobs. I personally have been accepted to three graduate programs and half finished one, ironically in Special Education, dropping out when I reached complete overwhelm in the face of student teaching and managing an entire classroom.
  • A chameleon aspect to personality due to observing people. If I’m conversing with someone with an accent that differs from my own, I begin to sound more and more like them. With travel in my younger years, I was accepted into various cultural groups not of my origin, and each time, people thought I was culturally part of that group (part Polynesian in Hawaii, part Japanese in Japan, part African with African group, part Hispanic or Native in New Mexico).
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My path from age 7-18, all piano, all the time – might have saved my life
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Current way I earn a living, typing all the time

I have read and have lived that women on spectrum can tend to have extremely sensitive sensory systems that prevent us from ingesting most addictive substances. For me, discovering Buddhist meditation 30 years ago, followed by a true allergy to alcohol after daughter’s birth, followed by a vegan diet in past decade, as well as daily knitting and nature connection practice have greatly improved my overall quality of life and led to much stronger emotional regulation than I could access in my youth.

My current coping skills and practices have led to a life that is medication-free for years, and I am forever grateful after years of off-and-on therapy, antidepressants. Knitting is one piece of that. I also have found that medication when spelled meditation works as the best anti-anxiety practice ever.

HOW THIS RELATES TO KNITTING

I have observed that many leaders in the knitting and hand-making blogging/vlogging community have identified various mental health concerns and sometimes physical health concerns that have both been alleviated with a daily knitting or making practice.

A large-scale study out of the UK has shown blood pressure drops and people report great relief of mental or even physical pain after knitting for a period of time.

For me, knitting not only allows me to feel connection with an ancestral lineage of people through time, it is a process over product endeavor, to have colors and textures running through my hands. It is calming, reassuring, repetitive, and gloriously satisfying when an object made with your own two hands is complete. Especially when I have a chance to gift what I made to someone else.

I am no expert in Ayurveda (a several thousand year old health system originating in India), but I ran across another way to view how repetitive use of both hands might help us. In this view of the human body, we have Marma points, accupressure points, in our hands that connect to our entire physical being. Fascinating stuff to consider.

acupressure-points-1

One last note: I would be willing and happy to participate in any study or interview about women on autism spectrum to contribute to further understanding.